Having cancer, well I suppose having any long-term illness, is so frustrating as you feel like your life is on hold, yet around you everything keeps moving. All the usual crap that goes wrong continues to knock you down but you’re not as well equipped to deal with it. The good stuff doesn’t stop either, unfortunately you’re too ill to enjoy a lot of it.
Before my diagnosis I was running a small online Etsy shop, ‘Truly Silver’, where I sold engraved vintage cutlery and jewellery. I had been building up my business for over 2 years and my little venture was becoming quite successful with a five star rating on Etsy. I closed my shop almost as soon as I found out I had breast cancer as I just felt it was a pressure I couldn’t deal with while facing an operation then treatment. At the time it was quite a relief, there were lots of parts of my business I enjoyed, being creative and making personalised gifts but working on my own was lonely and doing a lot of items to order while juggling being a mum could get a little stressful. However, as I have good days through my treatment I miss creating pieces in my workshop and it feels unsettling not having my own income. Now my chemotherapy is nearing the end I’m really hoping to slowly get back into working again.
The other lows of life don’t stop either, getting through Chemo on its own is a marathon but then my husband’s back pain returned with a vengeance making it hard for him to do as much as he wanted with the kids. I wasn’t so gutted when my little boy got a tummy bug and my other half had to get up and nurse him in the middle of the night while I snored on, but it was tough seeing my son like wee soul and I couldn’t comfort him with the mummy cuddles he wanted. I was so paranoid of the germs that when I took a drink of water up to his room I actually put a tissue and an antibacterial wipe over my mouth.
The biggest heart ache was when my Gran passed away in hospital after a two year battle with liver and bowel cancer and I had to let my little sister visit without me as I was too weak from chemo to manage the three hour round trip. Our Mum, her only child, passed away when I was 18 so the funeral plans have been hard going, I’m so lucky my sister has been here to organise the majority of it. Thank goodness I‘ll be able to make the funeral tomorrow, however the risk of catching germs at the wake is too high so once again my little sister is going without me for support, which I feel rotten about.
So chemotherapy has been a crazy rollercoaster of missing the highs and scraping through the lows but the good news is its not long till it’s finally over and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter by the day!